


What You Don't Know

by Jenni_Snake



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, Outing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-26
Updated: 2012-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:37:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenni_Snake/pseuds/Jenni_Snake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the beginning of Season 5, Lucas delivers some information to House that he's not open to hearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Don't Know

"Kutner did _what_?"

"Yeah. Got him in the Guinness Book of Records, though."

"…"

"I don't make this stuff up, I just find out about it."

"What did you want to be when you grew up?"

"What? … An astronaut."

"Seriously? Well, that worked out well. What did you study in university?"

"What makes you think I went to university?"

"I'm not an idiot – I know things."

"Then why do you hire me?"

"Shut up and answer the question."

"How? In charades?"

"…"

"All right. I majored in fine arts."

"You're lying."

"Why _do_ you hire me? … Fine, it was sociology."

"See, that explains the unemployment _just_ as well, and you don't have to get caught out in a lie. … So that's Thirteen and Kutner… what about Taub?"

"Here."

"A bank account?"

"Check the name…"

"A _secret_ bank account?"

"Yup."

"See, now that's interesting. … So now I owe you how much?"

"Why do you bother asking if you never really intend to pay?"

"You hurt me. If I didn't intend to pay, why would I have you buy me lunch and be doing all this paperwork? If you were really as good as you think you are, you'd know I _never_ do my own paperwork."

"I'm touched."

"Your sincerity frightens me. … Now what about the last bit?"

"What last bit?"

"You came in here with four folders, I've only got three."

"… It can wait."

"Then why'd you bring it?"

"…"

"Hand it over. … What's this? Mileage?"

"Business expense. I have a grandmother in Vermont. She's sick."

"I don't pay for you to visit your sick grandmother – just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I care if you have affordable health care for your family. And I don't pay benefits, so you can forget about braces, too."

"It's all above board - sixty cents to the mile, business mileage reimbursement rate, tax deductible."

"… You didn't go see your grandmother."

"No. Well, yes, I did. Which is why I didn't charge a _per diem_."

"Let me make myself clearer – you didn't _just_ go see your grandmother."

"No."

"So then unless you want to pay for your little trip north of the border on your own…"

"What? How did you know?"

"I have a grandmother in Vermont, too!"

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't. But I know the rough mileage to twenty major cities in the area. Thought it would come in handy if I ever hired a P.I., you know, to keep track of where they were going. You're about 150 miles past Vermont. … So, what were you doing in Montreal?"

"Carnavale de Quebec?"

"That's in Quebec City. In February. … You were checking out Wilson, weren't you? I don't remember asking for anything about Wilson…"

"Something came up"

"What?"

"I'd rather not tell you about it here."

"Then we'll go to my office."

"Or there."

"Where, then? FBI headquarters?"

"Definitely not there."

"Right, it's Canadian. Where do Mounties hang out?"

"How about after work."

"You hand me a bill, expect to be paid, and don't even give me any information?"  
"If you paid me more often, I wouldn't have to submit my bills first."

"Touché."

"I'll drop by tonight."

"How am I supposed to have fun with the information I have when all I want is the information you won't give me?"

"I just give you the information. You have to decide what to do with it."

"I am _so_ glad you're paying for lunch."

"Actually, if you'd read the bills more carefully, you'd find that it's you who's paying. … See you tonight!"

…

"How was your day?"

"How do you get in here? … Why do I even bother asking? 'Honey, I'm home!' It was horrible, thanks to you."

"Didn't go over so well?"

"Never got around to it. All I could think about was what I _didn't_ know, not what I'd found out."

"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."

"'Where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?' Huxley."

"You know what Samuel Johnson said about knowledge?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Maybe later. Beer?"

"I suppose I'm buying. I also suppose you're going to invite me to sit on my own couch."

"You sure you should be mixing those drugs with alcohol?"

"Did you get an M.D. on your little trip as well? I'm the doctor here. Besides, it makes them work better."

"…"

"Oh don't give me that!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"I know what you're thinking. Okay, topic change. Why did I just pay you –"

"You didn't pay me."

"You didn't let me finish. Why did I just pay you – in sentiment – to find out that Wilson's going to a twenty year graduation reunion at McGill?"

"You knew?"

"I'm not as idiotic as I look."

"When you do that, you are. … Huh, well, if you knew, I'm glad I caught a hockey game while I was up there, or it would have been a wasted trip."

"You seriously went all the way to Montreal just to tell me something I already knew?! This probably isn't something you should be admitting to me."

"You're funny when you're angry."

"You didn't major in sociology, did you?"

"Yes, I did."

"…"

"I only minored in psych."

"I knew it! Now stop playing games with me or I'll have you committed. Why did you waste your not so precious time, and my very precious admin money to go to a country where they can't even post the speed limits properly? _Especially_ since Wilson's reunion isn't for another week and a half."

"Because of this."

" _Return to the Rainbow Reception_? … You're looking at me like this should mean something. All I can figure is that I was wrong, and it's actually a thirty year kindergarten reunion."

"'Organized in conjunction with Alumni Homecoming, at which McGill's LGBT staff, students and faculty welcome LGBT alumni and friends back to campus for a fun get-together to gab about the past, present and future for queer McGillians.'"

"McGillians? That _is_ queer."

"You don't have a clue, do you?"

"Nope. And I'm out of beer, too."

"Here. LGBT, you've seriously never heard this? You need to stop skipping your sensitivity training."

"I _wanted_ to go to sensitivity training – it was the Jews and the blacks that kept me out!"

"Right… It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. And a whole lot besides, but let's start small."

"So what you're telling me is that you ran all the way up north to freeze your ass off just because Wilson was getting junk mail?"

"I went because I didn't want to jump to conclusions."

"Like I said, you wasted your time and my money."

"It's not your money, and it wasn't a waste. I joined a student club while I was up there."

"Don't tell me I'm going to be paying for your tuition and Student Union fees now!"

"It's ok – if you look enough like a student, you don't get asked too many questions. Besides, it was only five bucks."

"Canadian. So about… ninety nine cents. Still, money is money, and I still don't know why you can waste my hard earned dollars."

"You didn't even ask me what club I joined."

"Do I have to?"

"It's called Queer McGill. It started in the early seventies, and used to be called Gay McGill."

"See, I knew you couldn't keep it a secret forever. So who's the lucky guy?"

"I'm just going to ignore that."

"… I'm impressed. It usually takes people knowing me a lot longer before they learn that trick. The funnest people are the ones who never learn… … So what did you learn at this club of yours? Besides the fact that university students have too much money for alcohol and way too much time for sex – we already knew that, that's why we always complain it's a waste of time: We're just jealous."

"I don't think you want to know, come to think of it."

"You're right. If it's anything about man sex, you can leave me ignorant."

"…"

"Oh come on, I wasn't serious! … No, I was… Just tell me!"

"Again, going to ignore that for the moment. There weren't any membership lists, at least none I could get my hands on, but they let me browse the yearbooks – just collections of photographs they put together from activities. There was this…"

"You just took it? Just like that?"

"No, I have a pinhole."

"A spy camera? Cool. I need to borrow that sometime. So what is this?"

"It's from 1987, the group of McGill students that went to the Toronto Pride Parade."

"Look, Wilson is not gay. Maybe he was, but not anymore. He's be married, for crying out loud!"

"…"

"Don't give me that look, or I'll fire you – not for insulting my friend, but for incompetence."

"Calling someone gay is an insult?"

"It is if it's not true."

"It is true."

"Innocent til proven guilty."

"Straight til proven queer? Ever thought maybe a gay person might be insulted if you assumed they were straight?"

"… Look, there's nothing wrong with being gay…"

"…"

"Just…"

"Just as long as it's nothing to do with you."

"…"

"Jesus, I wish I knew you weren't his only friend."

"I'm starting to wish he wasn't my only friend."

"I can't believe you just said that!"

"…"

"That was really, really low."

"…"

"…"

"..."

"Why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry. ... I'm upset."

"You're upset??"

"..."

"Oh, I get it. You're upset that you didn't figure it out. That he managed to keep something from his brilliant best friend."

"..."

"You thought you knew everything about him, that you could read him like a book. You don't think he's used to hiding? Let me put it this way: How many gay heads of departments are there?"

"Well, McIvor's always been a little weird, but I just thought it was the name."

"See, there you go again."

"What?"

"Gay doesn't mean 'weird'."

"I didn't say that!"

"..."

"I'm joking, God! Maybe _you_ need another beer."

"How many times do make jokes like that a week? A day?"

"Jesus, if the sensitivity training people have your same sense of humour, I think I'll let them keep me out. Oops, probably shouldn't be taking the Lord's name in vain, either."

"How many times do you make jokes like that in front of Wilson?"

"I don't need you to lecture me… "

"..."

"... So what am I supposed to do with this information?"

"That's for you to decide. All I care is that you pay me."

"You can't just say that and then leave!"

"You're right. I should probably tell you what Samuel Johnson said. He said, 'Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless –'"

"'… and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.'"

"Good night, House."

"Good night, Lucas."

**Author's Note:**

> If by chance this seems familiar to you, it was first published on the LJ community LGBT House (c. 2008), which has since been purged. I had to piece this together from e-mails as I don't appear to have saved the published version anywhere else. I think I made House out to be even more of a jerk in the original, which seemed to upset people - I think I've been a bit more fair this time around.
> 
> Comments, positive or negative, are always appreciated!


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